We went to the restaurant, just her and I. I ordered a veal sandwich, she ordered pancakes. The waitress, a lady in her fifty’s with a tattoo sleeve was joking and chatting with us. Like people do with pregnant ladies, she asked her questions. “Wow, are you about due? How much longer do you have to go? Do you have other kids?” Your mom answered the questions: September 8, I have five other children. Then your mom gestured at me and said, “But she’s going to be the mom of this one” pointing to her belly.
Instantly waitress’s face fell, and was blanketed with compassion. She looked at me to verify, and I nodded in agreement. “Its true” I said and tried to smile gently. In that instant her face was so easy to read. Should she offer condolences to the pregnant lady? Should she offer congratulations to me? Both options seem insufficient. I tried to impart goodwill: “It’s sad, and happy” I said. “Bittersweet” she said. And then she looked at us, and looked at us, and looked at us, while we ate our food.
Later we passed a guy at the pharmacy who did the pregnancy drill again. “Wow, you are about to pop, how much longer? And look, even your ankles are swollen!” A little later “Don’t you know smoking is bad for your baby?” I scowled at him for her sake. And muttered to her “Doesn’t he know that’s not helpful?”
So even though you are not born yet, we are getting ready for you. Perfect strangers notice that you are coming soon. Perfect strangers worry about your health. Perfect strangers are filled with compassion, and are speechless when they hear the truth.
Here is the truth. You are loved. By her. By me. End of story.
I don’t feel like I know you now. You don’t recognize my voice. My heart sounds different from the one you hear beating every day. I can’t feel you move inside of me.
She pats her belly at night, lights a candle and tells you that your other parents are getting ready. We are getting ready, the best that we know how.
I expect in a couple of weeks that tables will turn, and she who knew you best won’t know you best anymore. Instead it will be a new mom with a squeaky voice, who smells funny, and feels a little out of practice with baby care. I’m sure you will sense a void. If babies can smell and recognize their mommy’s bodies, it only makes sense that they know when the voice and smell is gone from them.
Here is the truth. You are loved. By her. By me. This is the start of your sad and happy story.
Andrea Esh 
this is so heart-wrenching, yet beautiful Andrea! i was thinking of you yesterday and wondering how soon it will be that you have your little bundle. hoping that the getting ready goes as well….as can be
This is just beautiful. It really is.
So beautiful and powerful.
Andrea, I was thinking about you today and thinking that i need to ask you how things are going. and now you’ve posted… beautiful words here.
Tears are filling my eyes. This is so beautiful and so tender.Adoption is so dear to my heart these days, and I just bless you so much for stepping out in this…Do you know Shar Halverson? She has blessed me so much with her heart for adoption too…
Wow. Beautiful story!!
so much sad and so much happy. with your wisdom (tho’ i know you think you don’t have any ) and love, this baby is sure to be blessed in special ways.
Very touching!
This had me spellbound. And your reply to the waitress? Perfect!! This is such a good story and your baby is blessed already.I just wish I could tell you how much I wish you and yours the best. Sending love and warm thoughts, Luci
I love it. You amaze me Andrea! I cannot wait to see you sometime again, and hope this little bundle is with you so I can meet him/her! Bless you – as you impact MOM’S life and baby dear
so beautifully written….it touched my heart!! Thanx for letting us in on a glimpse of your journey!
Andrea! I must have missed the first part of this story!! I am so excited that your dreams and vision for adoption are being realized! Your words and your heart are achingly beautiful. And your baby is so, so loved. By her. By you. Loved twice. Loved forever.
What a beautiful way to say what is in your heart. Reminded me of what Elena said here the other day. “We’re gonna have a baby but my mom’s not pregnant.” So cool that even she is excited by this special way to add to your family. Can’t wait to meet baby!
said just right.
Wow! Just beautiful!
I really really love this post. I wanted to comment earlier but I couldnt’ get the words together. I’ve been thinking about you and your impending new arrival. Adoption is so beautiful but you said it well how there is so much sad and bittersweet mixed in there with it. Blessings to you as you become the new mommy to a baby who does not know you. And for the baby too, leaving the familiar voice and heartbeat…
blessings to you…. what a beautiful way to bless a child…adoption. you will do wonderful.
awesome! are you doing this through a local agency?
this post is…touching. precious. and what shannon wrote, “said just right.” when a story is both sad and happy.. .i hear painful and beautiful too. your little person is so wanted. so loved. so valuable—and that was even before ANY human being knew of it’s existence—The Creator was already celebrating His design, for sure. and while your baby learns to know it’s new mommy’s voice…Papa God’s whispers and face will be the same. i know that.i have been wanting to tell you what myron said as i was trying to communicate what meant so much to me after you shared your story a few weeks back. funny how he could put it into a sentence and he wasn’t there. 🙂 i’ll try to right it down soon. my thoughts, prayers and love to you all, “‘“The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.”’ numbers 6:23-27
Your words are beautifully written Andrea! This will be such a treasure for your wee Miracle. The start of this story is so similar to my sister’s. Their son is almost 9 yrs old now. I’ve said before, if there is such a thing as good rejection, this would have to be it. Choosing another woman who will care deeply for the baby they are carrying/birthing! I’ll be praying all will go well!
wow. just wow. you penned it well…. this baby is so lucky to have two mothers who are making good choices for him/her. that just makes this child a lil’ extra special.blessings to you as you prepare your heart and home for the little person.
What the others said . . . a beautiful way to write the beginning of your baby’s story. I’m excited to see this happening to your family. You inspire me. :)(By the way . . . I think we’ve met via CBS friends long ago. In case you wonder who in the world this stranger is lurking around your xanga.)
@lifeisadance – I know who Shar is (through MJ, I think) but I’ve never met her.@lwstutz – yes – local agency @down_onthefarm – Aw, thanks so much, you are such an encouragement to me! Now you have me curious what thing Myron said.:)@Jabber_wock – Oh, I know who you are, I lurk on your site now and again because I kind of romantize the whole idea of living in a far land while the husband goes through school! Thanks for you comment.
Expressed so beautifully.
i don’t think i breathed the whole way through this post. THAT’S how captivated i was. and then you ended with…”Here is the truth. You are loved. By her. By me. This is the start of your sad and happy story.” Andrea, you are perfect for this baby. i know it.
wow. now i am crying! oh, it’s all such a beautiful thing. (and i feel a lot jealous) i mean, it won’t be easy- but it is still all so beautiful… the process, the story. i have a deep feeling it will be a rich and happy ending for all of you.
So beautifully written and lived out! Adoption is held so close to my heart, God does such beautiful work thru it all!! Big Big blessings on you and your family! Cant wait to meet your precious bundle!
oh andrea.. you just flooded my face with tears with this post, but that’s really ok. you couldn’t have said it better that this sweet baby is receiving 2x the love. you’re an amazing part of the story.
so excited for you and your family!i love the way you write (just in case i haven’t mentioned that lately 🙂
I loved your post, it was so beautiful and it made me so excited for your girl, knowing she is going to be loved so much.
this made me cry. so moving and so from the heart. this little one will know she is loved, regardless of smell and sounds. i’m sure of it. xo