Letter to Brandt

Just lately you’ve been talking about God a lot. Questions that I didn’t ask until I was WAY older than you are. So when we talk about this stuff, I wanted to tell you what a rollercoaster you put my heart on. When I answer you, I am all too aware that maybe and probably I am getting it wrong. So I answer, and send up little prayers the whole time “God help me not to mess him up too bad. Help me not to mess him up too bad”.

Why was there a flood if God is love? Really? This from a person who still sucks his thumb? I think I would rather talk about women in leadership, or about eschatology. I believe my answer included: Mumble mumble erm…hmm. Wicked people..Oh buddy, sorry I have to go pee.

Once you even started to cry, and worried about “How do you know if you’re following Jesus, IF YOU CAN’T HEAR THE SPIRIT?” (bold part yelled in frustration)

I told you to tell God you want to follow Jesus, and then not worry about it. He’ll help you do the rest. So you laid down on the couch all stiff like, and buried your head in a pillow, and then you said, “I did it without talking” and then you said in all seriousness “Now I will follow Jesus into the kitchen”. I laughed.

So your faith journey is beginning, and you are so sensitive and so literal. I know that later, the questions will be harder and will shake my core.

What also shakes me is that you are being molded by a mish-mash of things I control or don’t control. Bible story books with little details that you insist are true, Sunday School, Casting Crowns, and how your Dad and I live our lives.

I want to hold you like putty in my hand and force you into the mold that I have in mind for you. The other day, I told you that God will never force you to do good, you will always have a choice. I wished I wouldn’t have, because you got a little glint in your eyes and said “We can still do bad things?”. I said “Yes, you’re never forced to do good things”. And in my heart I’m praying “God make him choose good; make him choose good.” Ironic huh?

When you went to bed the other night, you gave a happy sigh and said “It’s so fun to talk about Jesus and stuff right?” My heart literally seized up.

I love talking about Jesus and stuff with you.

12 thoughts on “Letter to Brandt

  1.          This is so precious!  Sounds kinda like the questions and discussions we’ve had with Trevor!  I say every parent needs one deep thinker in their family.  Oh the wisdom it takes!and I miss you already 🙂

  2. love love love! what a great bend toward God’s stuff!and you know God is much bigger than our mistakes and our imperfections as mamas. i can’t wait to see him at 20!

  3. My first thought was “Yay!  You posted.”And then I read your post.  And felt inspired.  And emotional.  And understanding of the rollercoaster your heart is on.  Except….How old IS your wise little man?!  What stands out to me here is that you are doing something so right and good as a parent because his heart is so open to God.  I think God is answering your please, please, please prayers.

  4. What a guy. I am crying too. Brant is an extraordinary kid.I too have been overwhelmed with answering theology questions. Sometimes I give my kids the two different ways that people answer a question and tell them mommy doesn’t know which way is right. I want them to grow up being okay with waiting for answers.  Brennan can’t wait to see God right now, but he’s still afraid of dying. For the past two days he has sat on the couch and poured himself over the The Passion book from the movie. As I go about my work, he will bring the book to me and ask me yet another question. He’s so intrigued with the thought that Jesus wasn’t afraid of dying.  So why did Jesus die?

  5.  @KirstenAmberKauffman – Oh yeah i’ve totally done the two differant answer thing. Questions that have a traditional answer, that maybe I don’t totally agree with I just don’t answer, because I don’t know how.  I basically try to give him stuff that he wont have to deconstruct later, which is a lot of I don’t knows.  Ok I could go on and on here and take this in a whole lot of directions.  I’ll talk to you tommorrow night:) @quiet_hearts – He is four, and when you say I must be doing something right I thank you from the bottom of my heart, but I know that it is inspite of me, not because of me.

  6. Wow, this is so sooo precious… It really is amazing how young their hearts can turn toward God, and want the things of God. This kind of post does a major heart-squeeze…

  7. I laughed out loud reading this ‘mumble, mumble….oh, I have to go pee’ heh!  And then realized I don’t laugh out loud much these days…thanks!I remember asking my mom about Jesus when I was a little piker…maybe the age of your little guy.  I asked, ‘is Jesus a man?’  She said, ‘well, no (not just a man)’  I said, ‘is Jesus a woman?’ She chuckled and said no.’  Confused I then asked, ‘well then, how did he go to the bathroom?”Fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom.’

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