Right now I’m feeling like a terrible failure. I know that I am in fact not a failure, but I
still feel like one. The last weeks I
have:
potty trained my youngest
read books to the kids in bed
hugged them multiple times a day
Got to the bottom of why Elena was “sick” and wanted to skip school
Taught Brandt to carry a big stick while he walks around the house, all the
while speaking softly “God is with me, God is with me”
Made chicken stock that is really good and really handy
Sounds Ok right?
Well, I also:
Let my kids watch WAY to many movies
Let chicken spoil in the fridge because I didn’t take the time to freeze it
(this one bothers me very badly)
Let my house become a smoldering pot of disarray
Barked at my child. Then preached at him.
Then scolded some more. Until he said: “Uhhh, I TIRED of all the YELLING”
Gave my husband the cold shoulder because I thought he was working too much
Let some wash on the line for an entire
week, because I was too lazy to take it off
(please mom don’t be embarrassed, the
issue is not that you didn’t teach me, the issue is I don’t put into practice
what I know)
Kissed Madelyn and made her cry (its true she said “ouch ouch don’t kiss,
it burns me!)
Plus many, more failures, these are the ones I could think of in five minutes.
So there is good, and there is ugly twisted together into the lumpy braid of my
life. Right now the knots in the braid are
glaring at me, demanding my attention.
But Christ the loving hairbrush untangles all my split ends,
and conditions the strands of my life. He
gently whispers “I will be your permanent refuge”.
I am sensing that I have taken the hair analogy a bit far. Be glad I stopped, because I was trying to
work the words fringe, bob and highlight into the sentence too.
THE POINT IS: Yes the point, I can’t
find the point because now I see golden hairbrushes floating around the sky,
plus I have the giggles. The point is…that I am noticing all my flaws lately and keep beating myself up about them. I keep waiting for the grand and glorious day, when I will have my act together. And I’m realizing that that day will never come.
Carrying on. Why am I desperate to get
my act together?
A heart-longing of mine is coming true.
A dream that I’ve had for years is creeping
to a reality.
We are DONE with our home study. We are adopting. Somewhere out there is another little person
who is going to join this laid back, get nothing done, messy-haired family.
That is why, the reality of who I am, and who I am not, is hitting home.
When I say creeping to a reality I mean creeping to a reality. Home studies
should take two to three months, ours took nine. Yes, we move at a
snails pace.
And now we join a multitude of other people in the waiting game. Waiting for God’s timing, and praying that
this dream won’t vanish in thin air.
Praying for a nameless little person who will have to suffer much loss,
and come bearing hole in his heart that we cannot fill.
—————————————————————————
Frequently asked questions:
Where are you adopting from?
USA
What age?
Under two, good chance it will be a baby
Boy or girl?
Don’t know
How long will you have
to wait?
Again don’t know, ball park figure- 4 months to two years.
—————————————————————————-
So if you wake up at 3AM with insomnia, and our faces flash in your brain say a
prayer, because like all the other parents on planet earth, we could use them.
Ps. If I have offended anyone by comparing Jesus to a hairbrush, my sincere
apologies.
Andrea Esh 
I didn’t know you were hoping to adopt! Fostering and/or adoption is something that has always had a place in my heart, but I don’t know if or when it will happen. I am too emotionally fragile at the moment to pursue it, but someday I hope we can help a child…or two…or more- depending on God’s leading. Wishing you the best as you find a child that needs your love!
God bless you in your plans to adopt. I have 3 adopted grandchildren. Wouldn’t trade them or the 4 regular ones for all the world! I could relate to your post in a lot of ways.
you always make me smile. If it makes you feel better- I let the cat eat the chicken that waited in the fridge for over 1 1/2 weeks. I also quit hanging out laundry for a month because I am afraid it would hang for a week. (that and because spiders are multiplying rather fast it seems this fall) adopting can be such a blessing…..I am sure having it together or slick hair with no split ends will make your home more comfortable and loving. what does having it together look like anyway?
LOVE the way you write!! Are you this funny in person?? I am SO glad you stopped with your hairbrush analogy because I think you had already taken it a tad far with the “He is our permanent refuge part.” I sort of figured that is what lice would say about hair. Not us about Jesus being our hair/hairbrush or living in our hair or whatever.On a more serious note…so happy for you guys that the dream of adopting is coming true…sometime soon. And that you are an imperfect person who has a perfect loving heavenly Father who will help you through each and every day with its successes and failures. Just like I do.
In my mind I’m singing, “Oh where is my hairbrush?” 🙂 Hope your adopting goes well!
How incredibly exciting! This is also a dream of ours. I keep telling Leon we need to get started because it can take awhile. You just confirmed that idea.Wishing you nothing but the best……for you and for your family!.
This post makes me inexpressibly happy. I started reading it this morning, but couldn’t finish. Just got some of the highlights and have been smiling about you all day. And just to balance out the hairbrush analogy–blessed are you for being a doer of the word and not a hearer only. 😉 Seriously, those words just kept going through my mind all day when I was thinking about you. I am so excited to see a family adopting because they CARE about orphans. I know a lot of us care, but you are putting it into action. I am so EXCITED because I know this is your heart, and I know you will blessed in big ways when you see your dream coming to reality!!! I totally get the feelings of inadequacy. I feel so much of both of these things in our life right now–blessed, fulfilled, absolutely thrilled to be living this dream that’s been in my heart for years…but also–why me? I don’t do well at witnessing, I have all these issues, I am not out there in the middle of things like I could be…. Oh, I hope someday we’ll be joining you, too. Know that I’m cheering for you all the way. And I’ll be praying. Are you doing any kind of support letter? If you are, add us to the list.
Oh Andrea. Pardon me while I gush that I SO could have written the first part of this post! I was reading and thinking….”Surely she hasn’t seen our place in the last weeks.”And then I got to the part about adoption and almost freaked out. But it’s too long of a story to write here. Let’s just say that this week Dan & I and the children talked seriously about adoption. We’ve been so burdened w/ the fate of special needs kids from places like Romania & Serbia. I always wanted to have 3 or 4 children and then adopt some, but then God gave us six of our own in such a short time and we started thinking no way. This is nothing written in stone and is only a distant dream. But who knows…..??I am so happy that you are seeing the possibilities for your dream materializing in the near future. I read this late last night and already started praying for you. I don’t know you, but I’m confident that your child will have a home where he/she is loved and taught about grace and growth and Jesus.
This one tugged my heart! Prolly cause my snarls look alot like yours. 🙂 Hope you find the grace you need as you wait on your little blessing!
I do so love you. And I wish I could sit at your kitchen table again and eat grilled pizza and talk about, well, hairbrushes this time. But also about how we can feel so on top of it and so much a failure all at the same time. You have a ridiculously funny ( I mean ridiculous in a good way) sense of humor in your writing. Love it, love it!! And the adoption!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited to hear this!! I’ve been seeing your heart in snippets here and there. The way you cared deeply about orphans. About hurting children. And to hear you following up on that passion is enough to make me want to jump up and down and shout, “Go Gene and Andrea, go, go, GO!!!” I hope you keep us posted! And I will pray when your face pops into my mind in those 2 AM why did I wake up moments.
OH, and I forgot to say that I LOVE the whole, “Speak softly but carry a big stick” thing with Brandt. 🙂
I love your posts! I can accomplish a lot of good in a week, but sometimes it seems like the failures outweigh all the good! Adoption is close to my heart too. I have an adopted brother and it is just something I have always wanted to do. Now here i am upper 30’s (that sounds extremely matronly) and we haven’t persued it. We’ve talked about starting our home study. Just reading this sparks my interest again. I just want to be sure we can be the parents my mom and dad were to my brother. No distinctions between our own vs. adopted. He was loved as much or more than if he was flesh and blood. (which i forget he isn’t. I don’t like to think of him as adopted because in my heart he is only my brother!) God bless you in your adoption journey. There is a very lucky child out there who gets to be yours!
I skimmed through this just briefly a while ago but haven’t been on the computer much lately… But I kept thinking of you so much since reading and thought that I have got to come back and tell you how EXCITED I am about your adoption process!!! Adopting isn’t what we feel God is leading us to personally at this point, but in the past year or two it seems that God keeps bringing people into my life with a heart and a burden for orphans, and now when I hear that someone is adopting it is every bit as exciting as when someone says they’re pregnant with their own biological child!! I greatly admire you, and pray that God would bless your venture and bring you abundant blessing through the adoption of a precious life! I’m just really really excited. Please keep us posted!
Oh, I am SO SO glad that there are people like you who are honest about their shortcomings. It helps me to know I’m not the only one. I realized this week that the sausage I bought never made it out of the refrig into the freezer and now it has to be tossed. I also let some laundry on the line for several days. I’m sure the neighbors have epileptic fits. Because they would NEVER do that. And their flower beds would never look like part of the yard either. And congrats on your adoption dreams becoming closer to reality.
Why have I never come across your blog before? Man I love you! You could have kept on with the hair brush analogy a little longer, just for me… sure no offence there… i actually happen to love practical word pictures. they help me so much. Man, we are a messy hairy laid back family and my failures have been GLARING at me lately, GLARING. I waiting on the edge of my seat for your next post. Haha.
@MartinTreehouse – You’ve never come across me because I’m actually pretty shy, and I usually feel a little stupid commenting on people’s posts before the comment on mine. Silly I know. My my you’re good for my ego!
@writersblock02 – Really? Well you know people love comments! I guess I’m not really shy anymore but I used to be painfully so! I really do love your posts.