I hear the saying “Just follow your instincts; you’re the mother so you know best”.  An implication that a mother instinctually knows what is best, deep down in her heart.  Um.. is this really true?  Or am I just a freak of nature?

When Elena was born I had zero instincts.  My mom was helping me out at first, and I peppered her with questions that first week.

“Should I wake her up to feed her?  Should I just let her sleep? Does it spoil her if I rush to her side every time she cries?  Do the cartoon characters go on the front or back? (Yup my first diaper change I got it backwards)  How do I get her to eat?”

Really, it was bad.  Looking back I am astonished I didn’t somehow damage Elena for life with my limited knowledge of baby care.

I knew two things:  That I wanted to be a “good” mom. (Whatever that is) and I wanted to do things the “right” way. (Again, whatever that is)

I remember feeling overwhelmed at this little child I loved, but felt like I didn’t know her.  I felt guilty because I didn’t really feel bonded at birth like so many people seemed to feel.  And I was obsessively reading all this mothering material hoping it would help it come naturally.

That was six years ago.  Since then I have two more babies.   AND I am pleased to announce that I finally, finally, have a maternal instinct.  Woot woot!

I was sick the week Brandt was born.  Dog-sick, throwing up, and coughing..  Since my mental state was less than optimal, I couldn’t tell if I was in labor or not, and didn’t even tell Gene until it was way too late.  We made it to the hospital, the mid-wife freaked out because I was fully dilated and ready to go.  A couple of pushes later Brandt was born, and I felt nothing.  Physically yes, but emotionally I felt nothing.  I remember thinking “I should hold him because that’s what good mothers do, but really I just want to sleep”.

The next day my mother-in-law came to visit us at the hospital, and she made the remark “Well it’s all worth the pain now, isn’t it?”  I distinctly remember thinking “No, it’s not worth the pain at all” but instead I said “I guess so”.

Then came the year of a fussy baby, and bonding with Brandt came v.e.r.y. slowly.  Now, he is such a sweet kind-hearted kid and I wish I would have better memories of him being born.

When Madelyn was born, it was the polar opposite of Brandt.  I wanted to hold her, and loving her wasn’t a choice I had to make, but it came naturally.

Instinctive nurturing did not happen for me like I thought it would.  I guess I would say I learned how to nurture.  I found my “instinct” through practice, and choosing to do what good mothers do even when it feels goofy and like I’m pretending.

Sarah Hrdy is an author who claims:  “Mothers do not automatically and unconditionally respond to giving birth in a nurturing way.”

She says later: “A woman who is committed to being a mother will learn to love any baby, whether it’s her own or not.”

I found this quote to be consistent with my own experience, and I’m wondering what all your experiences have been.